What I Remember
by Jae Ar
Summary: Reposted. After the boys face the "do-it" or die situation, how do they handle aftermath? Warnings for boy/boy, non-con, and language.
1. IntroductionDedicationNotes

This is a story that did not survive the great FFnet purge of summer 2012, for dropping the f-bomb in my summary. Sorry it has taken me so long to put it back up, but I rarely have real internet service. I'm on the computer and online all day at work, and don't feel the need to pay for smart phone service and internet service for the house. So that's my excuse.

The thing that saddened me the most when my story was gone was that I lost all the "story alerts," "favorite story," and "reviews." So breaking another FFnet rule, this first chapter is dedicated to re-listing all of them from my email alerts. I hope that I didn't skip over anyone because I feel like I'm missing some reviews. So I truly apologize if I missed you, it wasn't intentional.

Thank you to the following people who favorited and alerted my story:

CriminalMindsLove1

Koko77

A.V.

IndiaPyro

giderasia

Eraseus

Heart'sRose'

caramellove

MimiRoselyn

Darlene10104

Herky Illiniwek

yankees545

gaia artemis

naien543

make-x-applesauce

SessyKagFan

CALLEN37

Omgnotagain

BillieJoe80fan

pipinheart

SkittleTongue

shadowloveit

Spencer99

lederra

Bandit16

MelloJason

sandy444

Thank you for the following reviews, which are ever so important to both writers and readers alike:

From: DarkSecretLove

Poor guys... I have to say though, in my opinion you have every right to feel  
confident about your first chapter, and the ones that follow as well.

You did a great job at describing the emotions during and after the whole  
ordeal and the scene at Garcia's place was heartbreaking, but a great piece of  
writing (same goes for the rest of the story) and very touching.

All in all, you did a great job if you ask me, and I loved it. :)

From: AncientPurebloodPrincessLoli ta

Beautiful friendship fic...

Truely, you captured the esscence of their pain.

It could have you more description, but I only say that cause I heart your writing style and want more...

^^0 Sorry?

-giggles-

-is actually not sorry, she just hearts your story-

Sayonara,

Lolita

From: caramellove

poor derek poor reid

From: 68luvcarter

Wonderfully done.

From: LynnAshe

You have a lot of potential as a writer; you identified a scenario that would appeal to a great number of readers and added original imagery and aftermath. Your title is well chosen. I particularly liked Reid's comforting of Morgan and felt it was a tender and inspiring dialogue.

Note: Codeine *is* a narcotic. It is a class III controlled substance, as compared to morphine, which is more potent and prone to abuse and is class II, along with the infamous-in-Criminal-Minds lore Dilaudid (10 times as potent as morphine, though generally a much smaller dose is used). SSA Dr. Spencer Reid, addict and NA member, would be painfully familiar with the fact that any opioid (i.e. narcotics) have the same mechanism of action, primarily acting on the mu receptors in the nervous system.

Possible alternatives Reid might use include NSAIDs like ibuprofen or the much stronger toradol (usual dose is 30 mg in 2 mL, given IV, but can also be given in tablet form. The tablet form of toradol is much less effective. Toradol has serious side effects, primarily related to bleeding problems such as ulcers, and is not usually given for a period exceeding 5 days).

If you would like to research further, seek out pharmacology references and look in the analgesia and opiate/narcotic sections.

Just FYI for your future fics, because you hit the nail on the head, Reid will not use narcotics even when he has a high probability of dying, as seen in Amplification. Keep writing, you have promise and I look forward to reading more of your stories.

From: pipinheart

Reid is such a compasionate soul...


	2. Chapter 1

**Just needed to get a few things off my chest. This didn't turn out the way I initially intended. It started as a sequel to someone else's story, but when I asked for permission I was asked not to post it as a sequel. But I was encouraged to make the story my own, and I did the best that I could. However that also means that I don't feel very confident about this first chapter, as it is not something that I wanted to write, but I do think that making this completely my own story helped to support my end.**

**Second thing. I edit and revise other people's writing for a living, so I know how to edit, however editing your own stuff is difficult. I always catch my mistakes after a story is published when I see it in a different format.**

**Third, bonus points for anyone who recognizes the un-sub's name. I don't know how it popped into my head, but the un-sub is no way related to the name.**

**Thanks for listening. Enjoy. Please review.**

For six hours Reid and Morgan found themselves nude, chained together by one wrist and lashed to a cot by their ankles. For six hours they followed the orders of Gordon Shumway, the unsub, to fornicate. On his whim Shumway would thrust his gun under Morgan's chin and scream, "Fuck him!" Morgan tried to talk his way out of hurting his best friend, but Reid talked him into doing the act so that they could live long enough for their team to find them.

The first time Morgan penetrated Reid he interlaced the fingers of their chained hands together in a show of solidarity. Tears ran down both of their faces. Reid was experiencing physical pain that he had never thought imaginable, and Morgan was feeling emotional pain from hurting his friend and partner in such an intimate way.

The second time Shumway wanted a show things seemed to go a bit smoother.

The third time Morgan found a gun to his head he was unable to perform. Shumway unlocked the chain around his wrist and slammed the butt of the gun to Reid's temple. He demanded that Morgan blow Reid to orgasm, or it would be Reid that would receive a bullet through the skull. Once Morgan completed this task he was re-chained to Reid. Reid attempted to talk to him, but Morgan would no longer answer him or look him in the eye.

At hour six Shumway walked into the room. Without even being prompted Morgan began to robotically move his way between Reid's legs. He slowly entered Reid, but refused to look him in the eyes. Reid searched for the fingers that had been giving him strength, but Morgan was watching and refused to let Reid hold onto him the only way that he could.

Before Morgan had even achieved a steady rhythm shouts were heard throughout the room, "FBI, freeze!"

Morgan froze, while still imbedded in Reid. He heard a gunshot come from beside him. Then three gunshots answered the first, and Morgan could hear a body flop to the floor. It was Hotch who came to Reid and Morgan's side first. Morgan was still as a statue. Reid looked at Hotch and said, "Help Morgan. He's gone into shock."

Hotch began working that the ropes and chains that held him men down. Once they were no longer restrained Hotch took Morgan by the shoulders and helped him off the cot. That's when he saw the blood that covered Reid's lower extremities, and Hotch's face paled. Reid noticed this and said, "I'm fine. A little hurt, but I'm not worried. Take care of Morgan. Go with him to the hospital. He'll need someone when he comes around."

Hotch nodded and set Morgan down on the first gurney that entered the room, and he followed them to the ambulance. Along the ride to the hospital Morgan's vital signs began to stabilize and he slowly to began to respond to questions. Hotch stayed with him once they arrived at the hospital, but took a moment to notify the staff that he needed information on Reid as soon as it was available and he took another moment to notify his team that he and the two police officers that he was with had found Reid and Morgan.

Once a doctor had performed a full physical on Morgan, he was released with a clean bill of health. Both he and Hotch sauntered to the ER's waiting room to wait for news on Reid. Morgan paced the room while Hotch watched his every step. Finally Morgan asked, "How did you find us?"

"We got an ID off the hotel's security cameras. He had three properties. We wanted it to be one of us who found you, so we split up and used locals as back up."

"Is Shumway dead?"

"Yes, all three bullets that hit would have been fatal on their own. He can never hurt you or Reid again."

"HE, didn't do the hurting!"

"Derek, talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Morgan sat in the chair next to Hotch and put his head in his hands. After a long moment he quietly said, "You know. You saw."

"I know what I saw. Now tell me what happened."

"He yelled at me to fuck Reid. I didn't want to do it, but Reid pleaded with me. We did it again and again. There are large chunks of time that I don't remember. I can't believe I did that to Reid. I should have let the unsub shoot me."

"You know that wasn't an option."

"Why not? How am I supposed to live with myself?"

"Derek, are you thinking of hurting yourself?"

"I don't know, man. I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I just need a moment alone."

"Don't go far, so I find you when we hear the news about Reid."

Derek walked out of the waiting room and found a dim hallway that led to vending machines. Leaning against the wall, he slid down it into a crouching position and began to let the tears fall.


	3. Chapter 2

Slowly the team began to show up at the hospital. First Rossi and Emily walked into the waiting room and found Hotch. Emily rushed to his side and asked, "We got here as quick as soon as we heard. How are they?"

Hotch replied, "Physically they are… okay. Morgan has been released. He needed a few moments to himself. I haven't heard anything on Reid, but his injuries weren't life threatening. Mentally, I don't know what the future holds for the both of them. It was bad."

Rossi's face screwed up in disgust before asking, "Do we even want to know what he did to them?"

"Not only that, but I don't know how to tell you. Morgan was forced into intercourse with Reid, several times. They were both undressed and shackled to a bed. The un-sub kept a gun pointed at them."

"Oh my God!" Emily exclaimed.

Rossi merely allowed the reality of the situation sink in before asking, "Where is Morgan at?"

"He's just down the hall around the corner. He's not handling this at all." Hotch was interrupted by JJ and Garcia bursting into the room. Garcia crying out, "Tell me they are okay!"

"Garcia they are fine. Morgan has been released. In fact, I need you to go to him. He's down the hall just a bit, and upset over this ordeal. I need for you to stay with him and get him to tell you about what happened. Make sure that he's not blaming himself to a great extent. JJ, as soon as Reid is released, I'd like you to do the same for him. I don't want to tell you what happened. They need someone who won't judge them."

Garcia stood and nodded her head before rushing out of the room. She found Morgan down the hall sitting on his heels, face in his hands and tears hitting the floor. She hunched down next to him placing her arms around him. "Oh Derek what happened to you?"

Morgan leaned into her hug and let his sobs overwhelm him. Garcia continued to hold on to him to try and bring comfort. After a few minutes Morgan began to calm and Garcia said, "Derek, tell me what happened. What's got you this worked up?"

Morgan stilled at her question before shaking his head. "No. No. No."

He burst out of her arms and stood up. He started to pace in front of Garcia before continuing his chant, "No. No. No."

Staying still and close to the ground Garcia asked, "No what, Derek? Talk to me. You are scaring me here. Are you going into shock?"

With a cold stare he replied, "Wouldn't you after what I have done?"

He turned and began to leave the hospital. Garcia began to run after him calling, "Derek stop. Talk to me. What have you done? I don't know anything. All Hotch told me was that it wasn't your fault."

Morgan paused and turned. "Not my fault? It wasn't my fault that I got an erection when I realized that my body and Reid's were naked and touching? It's not my fault that I touched him? It's not my fault that I penetrated him? It's not my fault that I fucked him while tears ran down his face? It's not my fault that I was so deep inside of Reid when I came over and over again? It's not my fault that my semen and his blood came pouring out of his body every time? Baby girl how do you expect me to believe that those things are not my fault?"

Morgan was once again broken down on the floor. Garcia once again had her arms around him. "No, Derek, it wasn't your fault. You did what you had to do to survive. You held off the un-sub long enough for Hotch to find you. You hear me? This is not your fault and no one is blaming you."

"But I blame myself. I became the abuser. I did the one thing that I swore I would never do. I would never subject anyone to the things that I went through with Carl Buford."

"You were subjected to abuse to Derek. You will get through this. We will get you through this. Let me take you home, okay? We'll have someone call us when there's news on Reid."

Derek nodded his head and Garcia helped him stand. She said, "I'm going to go tell Hotch we are leaving. Emily and Rossi are here too, do you want to see them?"

"No. I can't face anyone right now. I'll wait for you right outside the doors."

Garcia nodded and walked back to the waiting room where the rest of her team sat. Hotch stood as she entered. No one spoke for a long while. Finally Hotch asked, "Did he talk to you?"

Garcia nodded her head and replied, "Yeah, a little bit. The un-sub forced him onto Reid, didn't he?"

"I'm afraid so."

"He's really torn up by this. Is Reid okay?"

"Reid is trying to push this all away right now. JJ is with him and is going to take him home. We are just waiting for him to be released."

"Okay, I'm going to take Derek home... Are they going to be okay?"

"I don't know… Penelope, if you need anything… if anything happens, you call me, understand?"

"Yes sir. I will."


	4. Chapter 3

JJ sat down in the waiting room with the others as Garcia walked out to go to Morgan. She wondered what could be so bad that the team was silent and stoic in this room. Morgan was already released from the hospital and Reid wasn't supposed to be in too bad of shape. But soon a doctor walked into the room and announced, "Dr. Reid."

The entire team stood. The doctor nodded at each member of the team before saying, "I'm Dr. Tubbs, and I've been taking care of Dr. Reid. He's in a bit of pain, but he hasn't sustained any serious injuries. You have requested a SARK, and he requested that he have someone with him while we do the kit."

JJ sighed when she realized what everyone was so worried about. Hotch nodded his head and said, "JJ, will you go back with him?"

"Of course."

The doctor led the way out of the waiting room and into the examining room. Before entering the room where Spencer was the doctor stopped and turned to JJ. "He has refused pain medication. He told us that there is a problem with narcotics, but he is still refusing any pain medication. The rape kit is going to cause a bit of pain and anxiety that I would like to spare him. Do you think you can convince him to allow us to give him something?"

"I can try," JJ replied walking into the room where Reid was.

Reid was lying on an exam table and he tried to bring a smile to his face when he saw JJ. She rushed to his side and grabbed his hand. "Oh Spence, you look awful. What happened to you?"

"You don't know?"

"No, Garcia and I just got here and then Hotch asked me to come be with you."

"Of course. He wants to send a woman so I'm not intimidated, and he doesn't tell you anything so I'll talk."

"I don't what his reasoning is, I'm not a profiler. I just know that something horrible is going on, and I don't know what it is. I'm scared, Spence. They said they were about to perform a SARK."

Reid grew silent and began to draw into himself before finally saying with a quiet voice, "I didn't want to be alone for it, I hope it's not too awkward for you. I thought Hotch or Rossi would come."

"I want to be here for you Reid. Are you okay with it being me in here with you? I won't be able to see anything? I'll be right here by your head."

"No, that's fine."

"Spence, the doctor said you are in pain, are you?"

"Everything hurts. My head hurts where he hit me over the head and my wrists hurt where they were chained. My back hurts and my bottom is on fire."

"But you won't take any pain medication? The doctor said the SARK will be uncomfortable, and he really wants you take something. It will be non-narcotic and I'll be here to take care of you. When this is all over I want you to come home and let me and Henry take care of you."

"Henry?"

"He's a caring kid. If he knows his Spence is hurt he won't let me rest until I've done everything to make it better."

With a chuckle Reid said, "Thanks. That will be nice."

"Now, what about the pain medication? Please don't be in unnecessary pain."

"You'll make sure it doesn't get out of control?"

"Of course."

"Okay."

"Thanks. Now will you tell me what happened to you? You don't have to tell me about the unsub raping you, but what happened?"

"The unsub didn't rape me. There was no rape."

"But Spence…" JJ interrupted thinking that Reid was trying to deny his experience. But Reid interrupted her, "He was going to kill Morgan if he didn't do it. When I regained consciousness we were naked and chained together to a bed. The un-sub demanded that Morgan fuck me. He kept a gun on Morgan the whole time. Morgan wanted him to shoot him, but I fought with Morgan. I couldn't let Morgan die and have something more awful happen to me. So Morgan and I had sex while the unsub watched."

"Oh God Spence. I'm so sorry."

"I'm okay Jayje. I'm worried about Morgan. He was totally unresponsive when Hotch found us."

"Garcia is with him. She's going to take him to her apartment and stay with him."

"I need to see him."

"I'll take you to Garcia's as soon as you are released."

Dr. Tubbs then walked in and asked, "Dr. Reid has your coworker helped you decide on some pain meds?"

"Yes, I'll take something. Not a narcotic and not too strong."

"Good. I'll be right back."

Reid's face was full of terror. JJ ran her hand through his hair and said, "It's going to be okay. I will take care of you. This won't get out of hand."

Reid just nodded and stared at the ceiling in silence until Dr. Tubbs returned to the room with a syringe in his hand. "This is just a little bit of pain reliever to take the edge off. I'll write you a prescription for the next couple of days."

Reid just nodded his head. Dr. Tubbs emptied the contents of the syringe into Reid's arm. Soon Reid's breathing became slow and deep and his eye glazed over. JJ leaned closer to Reid's ear and asked, "Do you feel better?"

As Reid tried to wipe a tear from his eye he nodded his head and said, "Yeah I feel real good."

"It's going to be okay."

"I know."

During this time Dr. Tubbs was walking around the room gathering the instruments that he would need to perform a rape kit. He turned to Reid and said, "Okay, now can you put your feet into these stirrups and scoot down on the table?"

With the help of Dr. Tubbs, Reid got his gangly limbs into position and scooted to the end of the table. Dr. Tubbs then positioned herself in between Reid's legs and said, "You are going to feel some pressure as the speculum goes in, okay? Are you ready?"

Reid nodded his head. As the doctor began with the procedure Reid winced in pain. Tears poured from his eyes. JJ held his hand and tried to comfort him, but to no avail. Reid soon started to cry, "Get it out! Take it out! I need it out!"

JJ tried to tell him to be calm, it would all be over soon, but Dr. Tubbs stood up and said, "Dr. Reid, I know you are uncomfortable, but I'd like to put in a couple of stitches to prevent infection. I'm going to numb the area so you won't be in any pain. It will just take a couple of minutes."

Reid continued to cry, "Oh God, just make it stop."

JJ's comforting words and touches seemed to have no affect on Reid. Soon Dr. Tubbs announced she was going to give him a shot of lidocaine and it would burn for a moment. Then he administered the medication and Reid screamed in pain. He felt like fire was spreading from his anal passage to his groin and through his abdomen. Eventually numbness replaced the burning and Reid stopped screaming. He returned to quiet tears and leaned his head into JJ's touches. His body was shaking so much JJ was worried that the doctor wouldn't be able to place the stitches in the correct place, but in no time at all Dr. Tubbs stood and said, "That was just two dissolvable stitches. Let me help you out of these stirrups and I'll give you some time to yourself and to get dressed. I've placed some scrubs on the counter. I'll be back with your discharge and aftercare paperwork."

Reid nodded in Dr. Tubbs' direction and winced as he sat up keeping the sheet wrapped around him. JJ went to pick up the scrubs to hand them to Reid. She asked, "Do you want me to leave the room while you get dress?"

"No! Don't leave!" Reid exclaimed.

"It's okay, I won't go anywhere."

"I'm sorry. I just need this day to be over. Could you just… I guess turn your back for a moment."

"Of course."

JJ turned her back to Reid, as he got dressed as quickly as his sore and drugged body would allow. When he was finished he said, "Okay." JJ helped him sit on the side of the examination table and then sat next to him with her arm around his shoulder. He leaned into her embrace and said, "I'm sorry that was so traumatizing. I don't know what came over me."

"Don't apologize, Spence. I can only imagine what you are going through. No one is supposed to be back there and two people have invaded that space for you today. You should be able to trust both of the people that were there, but they both just brought you pain."

"It wasn't his fault though. I need everyone to understand that. It wasn't his fault. The unsub gave him an impossible choice and I made him make this decision."

"I know that, Spence. I didn't mean to make it sound any different. I know Morgan had no choice. I know how worried you are about him. Just worry about yourself a little too, okay?"

"Yeah."

Dr. Tubbs returned and handed JJ a stack of paperwork before saying, "I'm giving you the paperwork since you don't have a pain reliever cloud over your head at the moment. Now Dr. Reid, I want you to take it easy for the next two or three days. I've given you a prescription for pain reliever for those two or three days. Please take them. I'd also like you to eat a high fiber diet and take stool softeners for the next few weeks. If there is a lot of pain or bleeding during bowel movements return here to the emergency room or to your doctor immediately. Do either of you have any questions?"

JJ replied, "No thank you Doctor."

Reid just shook his head. He longingly looked at JJ and said, "JJ get me out of here. I need to get to Morgan."


	5. Chapter 4

Reid began walking out of the hospital with JJ in tow. Hotch, Prentice and Rossi all gave him looks of concern as they followed Reid and JJ. When they reached JJ's vehicle Reid stopped and said, "I'm fine, Guys. Thank you for your concern, but right now my concern is Derek."

And with that Reid got into JJ's vehicle. JJ glanced at the rest of the team's worried faces. Hotch stepped forward and said, "When this hits him, if you need us, just call."

JJ nodded her thanks and got into her vehicle and drove towards Garcia's apartment in silence.

Upon arriving at Garcia's apartment Reid flew from the vehicle to the apartment building. He took the stairs two at a time until he was at Garcia's door. He knocked on the door and waited for Garcia. She soon appeared at the door looking forlorn.

"Boy Genius, what are you doing here? How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. How is he?"

"He's having some trouble with this. He's not good."

"I have to talk to him."

And Reid pushed past Garcia into her living room where he found Morgan slumped on the couch. He looked like someone had let the air out of him. Tentatively Reid stepped closer before quietly saying, "Morgan?"

There was no movement from the man on the couch, so Reid spoke again, "Morgan, will you look at me?"

A moment passed before a quiet whisper came from Morgan's lips, "I can't. Not after what I've done."

Reid gingerly took a seat at the opposite end of the couch saying, "You saved our lives, Morgan. If the roles had been reversed, I don't think I could have done what you did in the manner you did."

Still in a whisper Morgan replied, "But I hurt you."

"It wasn't your fault. And it's nothing that won't heal in just a few days."

"No!" Morgan exclaimed. "I know what I did. I know what it's like to have someone on top of you, touching you and feeling your most sacred parts. I know that kind of pain. I know what kind of memories I left you with."

Reid bit his bottom lip while he thought how to reply. Finally he took Morgan's hand into his. Morgan tried to pull away, but Reid wouldn't let him. He interlaced their fingers and said, "This is what I remember. You holding my hand while a psycho held our lives in his hands. I felt your hand in mine, and knew that our combined strength we could conquer anything. I could feel your support and caring ways trying to get us through the torment. I felt your friendship, and I had JJ bring me straight here to tell you thank you for that."

The room fell silent. Thoughts were running through Morgan's mind a million miles per hour. He could remember every detail of the abuse he had inflicted. There was no way Dr. Spencer Reid, Mr. Eidetic Memory, didn't remember what he had done. But wait, did that mean Reid didn't blame him? Reid, poor Reid, was here to comfort him. To give him hope and support and friendship. Morgan knew that he would always blame himself, Reid was there telling him that he did not blame him.

"But what about the hurt?"

"You saved me."

"What about the torture?"

"It was the unsub who tortured us."

"What about the humiliation?"

"There's no way I could be humiliated by you when the alternative was the unsub."

"You don't hate me?"

"No, Morgan. You're my best friend. I love you. This wasn't your fault. This is going to be tough to get through, but we can do this together."

Eventually Morgan gave Reid's hand a squeeze and said, "Thank you, Pretty Boy."

Reid let small smile creep to his lips and said, "No Morgan, thank you."

And the two sat silently on the couch without letting go of each other's hand, and eventually they nodded off to sleep.

Garcia and JJ stood in the entryway watching the two with tears occasionally falling from their eyes. JJ whispered to Garcia, "They are going to be all right, right?"

"I think Boy Genius had it right when he said that with our combined strength we can pull through anything. Now let's go hit my bed and join the boys in a nap."


End file.
